Homes Under the Hammer
Homes Under the Hammer
All the preparation for the auction had gone well, I’d got a mortgage agreed in principal on the property and insurances, policies etc. were all ready to go.
I took a bit of time off work and toddled off to the auction in good time, I took every document that I could possibly need in a large messenger bag, I even took a thermos for my wait in the car park.
On getting into the auction room and parking myself middle and back of the auction room I noticed a film camera to the side of the front of the room. There was a notice on it which was a little difficult to read but I squinted and read it as “Homes Under the Hammer filming” or something like that. Wow, Homes Under the Hammer, my favourite morning TV show for passing time on the couch, HUTH is without doubt one of my secret loves, a show on every weekday morning, a show offering a snuggly view of home developing, a show not necessarily up there with other more esteemed development programmes, but nonetheless a show I love. Another bonus if I got the house, but quickly forgotten as I got down to the business of buying a house.
A few lots in and some very nervy bidding and I’d secured myself a house, a lady shook my hand who’d been standing next to me in the crowd and I wandered from the auction room in shock, having completely forgotten the camera.
I planted myself in a seat awaiting my time to see the financial people and dazzle them with the comprehensive contents of my green bag when a chap wandered over. He introduced himself, gave me a card and that was it I was signed up to appear on Homes Under the Hammer. I seem to remember being rather starstruck and speaking to him a few octaves above my normal register, despite him probably being someone of not huge import, he was TV to me. Wow…
A downside to HUTH is that they insist you do nothing with the property till they film it and this did slow down initial proceedings but I really wanted them to come along. It wasn’t about the £100 per interview they offered (don’t scoff it saved my bacon one month when I was down to my last cent) it was about having the experience of buying, doing up and revealing my house documented (something for Izzi to dig out one rainy day in the future) on TV, that was worth a bundle more than the £200 I would amass after both of the interviews. It was also about seeing what happened behind the scenes of the show, I really do love HUTH, I know that sounds cheesy being so keen onwhat is regarded as a cheesy show, but I don’t care, I really do love it and I’d be a part of it.
Anyway a day was booked in, I took the time off work and turned up very early in the morning with trays of snacks, cake, quiche, coke, tea filled thermos etc. my lovely Mum had prepared for the crew.
The crew arrived on the dot and they quickly set up – remember I’m writing this months after it happened too – and a young lady told me what was expected of me that day. Basically they would spend most of the morning setting up, I should make myself scarce, they would ring me then I would do a bit of filming and later I would have my interview with Martin.
I made myself scarce.
A nervous morning watching TV around Anna’s and I got my call. I wandered down to my house and they put me through the poking things shoots. Basically the footage was pretty standard fodder for those who know the format but basically it was shots of me walking up to the front door, looking up and then walking through the front door (barging it in with my shoulder in reality but trying to make it look simple in reality). Shots of me walking around the garage, looking up and then poking the kiln in the corner of the room. Shots of me walking into a bedroom, looking up and then walking out. The cameraman applauded my natural abilities, I said I do nonchalant really well.
Anyway again I was ushered off as I was told that Martin liked to do his walk around without the owner being there. Whether this was because he was too much of an artist to be districted by the general public or whether it was because he didn’t want the owner to know the details of what horrors he’d found.
I arrived back on set when I was told to be there and instantly in trouble as I was walking into my garden when a bush shouted at me. Seemed as though I’d been a bit premature and the filming with Martin hadn’t finished and he wasn’t too pleased with me nearly barging in.
Anyway I should have been nervous about the interview but I was strangely quite calm and I did really well….. well I thought I did pretty well anyway and the crew were very enthusiastic and said it was refreshing to have someone who talked so much, eh.
The interview was over in a trice but I think they got around 20 minutes of footage. There were the obligatory exchanges that will probably be used to make me look like and idiot:
Martin “Did you notice the cracks?”
Me “What cracks”
Martin “Well I assume you had a survey done?”
Me “Yes of course”
Martin “Did you read it?”
Me “No”
In my defence I had noticed the cracks but they were tiny and as I think I might have said, one couldn’t get ones fingers in them so they were not a worry. The survey too had been done by the mortgage people and as it didn’t pop up any nasties on the radar, then I assumed the house was pretty sturdy, the mortgage people hadn’t seen fit to send me a copy though.
We got a little argumentative at one point regarding the wealthiness of people at auction and that came across pretty badly so I hope that’ll not be used, but apart from that there were only a couple of other problems.
I said I’d be doing my own wiring, we had to reshoot as this wasn’t heathy and safety conscious enough.
A local weatherstation administrator wandered in mid shoot, Martin not a happy bunny at all and disturbed the interview shoot. He’d been asked to come over to talk about the weather in the village – a bit off format for HUTH – it is so flipping cold up here. He’d innocently not known it was regarding a BBC TV shoot and had wandered onto a live shoot whistling as he came in through my back door.. heh.
All went really well though, I think I put my case across well, the fact that I had no money to spend but I thought that I could do a good job without any money – I did go on a bit too much about that though. I tried to feed them music cues too, HUTH has a habit of playing literal soundbites, for example someone mentions loving Afgan Hounds and instantly you’ll hear a burst of Elvis singing “you ain’t nuthin but a houndog”. I fed them “I thought it could end up looking quite Bohemian” wanting to get a burst of The Dandy Warhols and Bohemian Like Me but probably getting Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody instead.
Anyway they swept out of my house, leaving cakes and quiche here and there, telling me that no-one had ever done that for them before – what’s wrong with people? They had taken out all my lightbulbs and not replaced them and Martin was a true gentleman in that Anna was dying to meet him and after he’d agreed to a couple of selfies he stuck around and had a quarter of an hour chat with Anna which I think was above and beyond the call of duty.Not a bad day, the lightbulbs took moments to put back in and after that I had no excuses but to start getting on with the job.